Wednesday, December 10, 2008

and then there came Eden. :)

20 years, 8 months, 2 weeks, and three days ago, the world was a quieter and more peaceful place, but it was also dark and boring. Yes, it was a sad place indeed. And then, on the 22nd day of the 2nd month of that fateful year, something happened that changed the way the world was.

What happened?

I HAPPENED.

Suddenly, everything was, well, better. The sun shone a little brighter, the birds started singing (yeah, they learned to sing just after I was born. They heard little me cry my lungs out and I guess that was just too inspiring for them.), the plants produced more oxygen (I was also good for the environment), even the stars were more dazzling. Songs were composed, dances were choreographed, stories were brought to life, you know, all that jazz.

Haha. Okay. So maybe I exaggerated a little. Or maybe a lot. Fine, I exaggerated. Period. But you see, when you’re the first born, first grandchild, first everything, you’re pretty much the whole world to your family. The first-time parents of course are excited and scared at the same time because, well, you’re the first, and with parenting, you really don’t get much training until you have your own kid. So yeah, the first-borns are usually the guinea pigs. (Yeouch. Haha.) And the grandparents, they aren’t any less excited than the parents themselves. It’s always, “Ang cute-cute ng apo ko”, or “Kamukha ng lolo/a” or whatever cutesy stuff it is they say while cooing endlessly in front of you.

Anyway, so there, I was the center of their universe. Until the brother came along.

Now who knew that the world would be a much better place if there were two centers instead of just one?

Haha. I lost myself there. Sorry if I’m not making any sense. At all. It is but normal. :D

What I’m saying is, no, I did not and still don’t hate my brother. We both grew up in an environment where we felt safe and secure of the love of the people around us, so we never had to fight for attention, much more the love and affection of our parents or anybody, for that matter. No, we weren’t spoiled or anything. Being the center of the universe isn’t permanent, we both found out later in life. We knew we were loved, but we also knew that the world does not revolve around us – anymore. Haha.

So, as I was saying, I made the world a better place. (Haha, somebody shoot me. Now.) Well, there is actually some truth in this. Just ask my mother and my father. They are happy. And that’s basically all that matters. Haha.

Enough of that. It’s not making any sense. It’s starting to sound like me, talking. Haha. But one thing’s for sure, though my existence may not be the sole source of light or feeling or energy which brightens up the whole world, my existence had certainly made this world a NOISIER place.

Growing up, I was always the talkative one. I had lots of stories, most of them made-up, of course. I talked about things that made sense but most of the time I think I talked just for the sake of talking. But weirdly enough, I am pretty shy around people. What I mean is, I’m not the outgoing type of person. So if I don’t know anyone in my class, for example, then my existence would be barely noticeable. I’m not usually the first one to go and introduce myself.

I don’t know where I got my confidence issues. I was went to a catholic school in elementary, and aside from reiterating the values I got from my parents and grandparents – who are devout Catholics – it was also in school where I first got exposed to competitions and such activities that would hone my self-confidence. I remember being on plays and spelling bees and other contests and I didn’t have any problem whatsoever. I was okay with everything. And then the next thing I remember, I was under the table, hiding, because I didn’t want to participate in the singing contest that I was signed up for. So I hid under the table until I was sure I wouldn’t be in it. It was then that I realized that I am scared of public performances.

The funny thing is, even though I have a very bad case of stage fright, I am now here in the University of the Philippines, in the COLLEGE OF MASS COMMUNICATION, taking up Broadcast Communication, nonetheless. And I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. Fate does have a twisted sense of humor. Now my life is production – cameras, microphones, costumes, make-up, scripts, lights, concepts, the whole works.

College indeed changes people. I’m not saying that I’m more aggressive now, maybe I’m just more comfortable with myself and I admit, it just needs getting used to. (Although I am never used to it enough.) And besides, not just about how I feel in front of an audience or a camera, for that matter. Back in high school, I religiously followed soap operas and laughed myself to death with the wisecracks of whatever sitcom I’m watching. I mean, television was a one-way medium. I was just absorbing whatever media is feeding me though it. But now, well now I still watch series and sitcoms and other whatnots, but I have learned that I don’t have to take everything in. or maybe I knew it back then, I just didn’t care enough.

I have become more critical of everything, not just media or the television. People? Life? Love? Call me cheesy or whatever, but yeah, all those. I certainly won’t deny that I have had my share of the “emo”-ness. Come on, everybody has those moments.

This university undoubtedly played a big part in, maybe not changing, but I would like to think of it as improving me, my identity, my beliefs. Here I met people. Some of whom became friends, some remained as mere acquaintances, but whichever way they turn out to be, meeting all of them taught me how to deal with different people and different and sometimes difficult situations.

Aside from the people aspect, studying in this university also toughened me up. Not tough as in I-beat-people-up kind of tough, but tough as a person. I had to leave the safety of my comfort zone, leave my family physically and stay in a place with, quite literally, strangers.

Thank goodness Kalay was the first dorm I got into when I was a freshie. Even though I only knew four people from my high school in the entire dormitory, the whole set-up of Kalay helped a lot. We were strangers, yes, but we were strangers with at least two things in common: we were starting college and we are away from our families. Ten months of living together is no piece of cake. But good things come out of it too. There I met people who I wouldn’t have if I were someplace else, and my life wouldn’t have as fun. Of course I don’t really know that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The biggest blow I had to go through was probably when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Yeah, that’s the type where you deal with needles and everyday. Every freakin’ day. I happen to be one of the world’s biggest cowards when it comes to needles and blood and injections. But I have no choice. I need insulin in my system and the only way for me get it is through regular injection. Talk about painful. But I couldn’t decide which hurts more, daily injections (for forever) or giving up sweets. I probably have the world’s biggest sweet tooth, you see.

But I came through it, and I am now dealing with it quite gracefully, haha, though not totally unscathed. It was something that not only I had to go through alone. A lot of adjustments and getting used to was needed, and it really took a while. My family had to make room for all the change – physically and otherwise. I sure shed a lot of tears (It’s really no joke when the doctor tells you to stop eating ice cream.) and I made my mother, and take this, my father cry. No, I am not proud that I made my parents cry and I never want to do that to them again. I’m just saying that I was that impossible. I was cranky all the time and I didn’t listen to whatever it was they were telling me to do or not to do. Even if it was for my own good.

Well, I learned then that in my family, it’s really not about whether it’s easy or difficult. It’s about whether it can be done or not. Because i won't be alone to face whatever it is. And that fact makes everything, even the unknown, less scary.


Funny how the question “Who am I?” can generate all these thoughts eh?


Word Count: 1515

Labels:


Monday, November 05, 2007

standing still
i think i lost myself somewhere. please make me see sense. please please please oh please.

Monday, October 01, 2007

random thoughts
blog blog blog..

wala lang.. may anak na si dennis trillo kaya depressed na naman ako.. haha.. jokeness.. *asus!!*
weh! haha.. wala lang.. *napakatino naman ng post.. tsk tsk..*

whatever.. hmm.. lemme see.. wala akong maisip na i-blog eh.. haha.. parang wala nang blogworthy stuff sa life ko eh.. haha.. *ick! ang korny.. kadiri..*

haha.. patay ah.. *patay what?* wala.. ewan.. paramdam lang.. haha..

question: bakit may mga bagay na kahit alam mo kung bakit ang hirap talagang ma-gets??

wala lang.. hay buhay..

Saturday, September 29, 2007

just checking
wow.. buhay pa?? haha..

so.. kumusta naman na ang mundo?? aba'y ewan.. ganun pren.. bilog..

*so ikaw eden, kumusta naman na ang mundo mo??*

hmm.. kumusta na nga ba ako??

quick rundown lang:
-diabetic nko
-i died last sem(and died again and again and again)
-buhay nko ulit

oh well.. i'm basically okay.. hindi naman ako suicidal.. masaya ako, i guess, pero i could be happier.. may times pa rin gusto kong umiyak na lang..

marami pa rin akong hindi naiintindihan, pero sa dami ng mga nangyari, marami din naman akong natutunan..

korni kung korni, nasubukan ko nang masaktan.. hindi pa ako gumagaling, sa totoo lang.. pero ganun talaga siguro yun.. wala naman kasing nagsabing mabilis magheal ang mga bagay-bagay..

kasalanan ko rin kasi siguro.. siguro if i put more effort, keri na e.. kaya lang, ewan.. natatakot akong bumitaw..oo, alam ko wala naman talaga akong pinanghahawakang kahit ano.. pero yun nga siguro un eh, mahirap bitawan ang hindi mo hawak.. *yuck, ang korni. nakakasuka. blech!*

aw shaddap.. wala lang.. ge

Thursday, December 28, 2006

iyak eden. iyak.
It’s been ages since my last post.. Hehe.. *Waaaaah! Buhay ka pa pala?!* Yeah.. Unfortunately.. Haha.. Parang suicidal lang ah.. *Ick! Ang drama!* Whatever.. Haha.. I don’t really feel like blogging nowadays. Nothing’s happening. There’s no interesting stuff to blog about.. *Yada yada yada*.. But what the heck.. Hehe..

Christmas came and went just like that.. [Oh sheesh.. My mom just gave me good news. I need to have my blood checked.. Gaaah! I hate needles! Waaaah! Dugo! Dugo! Dugo! Oh men!] So anyway, back to dramaqueen_mode..

Christmas is painted all over the city.. The lights, the red-white-green color scheme, presents, trees, mistletoes, the list goes on and on.. It’s too hard to miss it.. [Sigh] I just don’t get it.. *Christmas?* Aw shaddap.. How come I don’t feel it anymore? Maybe you’re dead.. Haha.. Funny.. Not.. [My goodness.. I’m tipsy.. May tama ba ang red wine?? Or maybe it’s just me..hehe..]

Hay.. Ewan..

Oh well.. I guess it’s really true then.. Christmas is for kids.. *Ay sa wakas.. Umamin din na hindi na siya kid.. Guraaaang!! Bwahaha.. Guraaaang!* Ay whatever.. I mean, back then, as early as the first –ber month, well, feeling ko pasko na.. Ang vague.. haha.. Basta.. I know you get what I mean.. And then now.. It’s really different.. It feels different.. Actually, like what I’ve mentioned for the umpteenth time, I don’t feel it anymore. I dunno, maybe I’m just plain crazy, you know, imagining too much..hehe..

Now don’t get me wrong.. I haven’t turned into this Grinch of some kind who doesn’t appreciate Christmas.. I do.. I still do.. It's just that.. er.. Waaah! Ewan..*Oh dear.. Maybe it’s just the wine taking it’s toll on you.. wahaha..* Whatever..

Sheesh.. Too much negative energy.. Enough of that. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, remember? Haha.. It’s the wine, alright.. I’m nuts![ And speaking of nuts, Gonuts just opened a branch here.. Hooray!]

Moving on.. [to more important stuff..haha]

Everyone! Guys! Bro! Pare! Tol! Dude! Sis! Dudettes! Bakla! Ate! Kuya! Let’s not forget the heart of the season, ait? =) Let’s not forget the CHRIST in Christmas.. Nevermind that there are no heaps of gifts under the tree come Christmas morning.. *Ows??* Nevermind that you don’t feel the spirit anymore[Haha.. Parinig sa sarili..Yeouch..] Nevermind that you don’t get to eat a lot during Noche Buena and Media Noche.. *Oh men!*..haha.. Kasi nga di ba.. It’s not about all that.. It’s not about us.. It’s about Him..=)

And besides.. Consider yourselves lucky.. Lots of people in Bicol and all the others who were struck by different calamities just before the holidays barely have enough to get by. Nothing more to celebrate Christmas with.. We’re blessed guys. We are so, so blessed.. We’ve got to admit that.. No matter what state our acads are in..haha.. No matter if we don’t have much.. we have each other and it’s what really counts..

Tama na.. Masyado nang deep.. Nalulunod na ako.. Ish..hehe..

Friday, December 01, 2006

kablugsh!
I'm blogging for the second time today, which is, er, a first.. *E bakit ba kasi??*

Ay ewan.. For no apparent reason, I feel like crying.. Okay, so maybe I know why, but I'm not telling..Duhness..

So anyway, I can't cry here,duh, coz if I did, my mom would probably go ballistic..haha.. Xempre kasi hindi ko din naman sasabihin sa kanya kung bakit di ba?? haha.. So yun, hindi ako pwedeng umiyak dito.. At dahil blogs are made for ranting, tadaaaa!! Nandito ako ngayon.. Nag-eemote..haha..

I hate the world today. No, I am not about to launch into a song. Argh! I hate myself.. I'm so messed up, I'm not even sane enough to string words to form a decent sentence.. I hate this.. And this freakin' dial-up took ages to connect.. Dursh.. I shouldv'e been online two thousand years ago.. Sheesh.. *Huwaaaw.. Biat-- er, Reming comin' through..* Aw shaddap..

Anywho.. What I want to say is.. Ewan..

Dude, make up your mind.. I'm not psychic, you know?? Heck.. You know that.. Waaaaa!! This not good. This driving Eden nuts. This baaaad..

*Ayun naman pala.. Sino si Dude??*

Wala..

Sheesh..




Thursday, November 30, 2006

intuition is nothing
Too much expectations lead to disappointments. Expecting something , in the first place, almost always leads to pain. That's the reason why people get hurt. They shouldn't blame fate, or life, or love. They should blame themselves. Because it is possible to love without expecting anything. But that would be martyrdom. And, well, di na uso yun ngayon. The trend nowadays is to fight for what you believe in, for what you feel. Nevermind that it hurts. Nevermind that sometimes, what you are fighting for is a lost cause. Nevermind that the battle you are fighting in has already been fought. And nevermind that you are also hurting other people in the process.
Because people are selfish. Yes, it all comes down to this. Why else would we fight for a person? Because we want this person to be ours. Why else would we fight for what we believe in? Because we want to prove that we're right.
And why, eventhough it hurts, do we let go of people we love? Because we want them to be happy. Nevermind that it's not with us. And eventhough it hurts like hell, we still do it anyway, thinking that we're doing it for the one person that we love. But no. We do it for ourselves. Yes, we want our loved ones happy. But why? Because seeing them happy makes us happy. Get it?
Martyrdom? Nope.
Selfishness is more like it.
And my point is?? Wala. Nothing. Nada. Non.