Wednesday, December 10, 2008

20 years, 8 months, 2 weeks, and three days ago, the world was a quieter and more peaceful place, but it was also dark and boring. Yes, it was a sad place indeed. And then, on the 22^nd day of the 2^nd month of that fateful year, something happened that changed the way the world was.

What happened?

I HAPPENED.

Suddenly, everything was, well, better. The sun shone a little brighter, the birds started singing (yeah, they learned to sing just after I was born. They heard little me cry my lungs out and I guess that was just too inspiring for them.), the plants produced more oxygen (I was also good for the environment), even the stars were more dazzling. Songs were composed, dances were choreographed, stories were brought to life, you know, all that jazz.

Haha. Okay. So maybe I exaggerated a little. Or maybe a lot. Fine, I exaggerated. Period. But you see, when you’re the first born, first grandchild, first everything, you’re pretty much the whole world to your family. The first-time parents of course are excited and scared at the same time because, well, you’re the first, and with parenting, you really don’t get much training until you have your own kid. So yeah, the first-borns are usually the guinea pigs. (Yeouch. Haha.) And the grandparents, they aren’t any less excited than the parents themselves. It’s always, “Ang cute-cute ng apo ko”, or “Kamukha ng lolo/a” or whatever cutesy stuff it is they say while cooing endlessly in front of you.

Anyway, so there, I was the center of their universe. Until the brother came along.

Now who knew that the world would be a much better place if there were two centers instead of just one?

Haha. I lost myself there. Sorry if I’m not making any sense. At all. It is but normal. :D

What I’m saying is, no, I did not and still don’t hate my brother. We both grew up in an environment where we felt safe and secure of the love of the people around us, so we never had to fight for attention, much more the love and affection of our parents or anybody, for that matter. No, we weren’t spoiled or anything. Being the center of the universe isn’t permanent, we both found out later in life. We knew we were loved, but we also knew that the world does not revolve around us – anymore. Haha.

So, as I was saying, I made the world a better place. (Haha, somebody shoot me. Now.) Well, there is actually some truth in this. Just ask my mother and my father. They are happy. And that’s basically all that matters. Haha.

Enough of that. It’s not making any sense. It’s starting to sound like me, talking. Haha. But one thing’s for sure, though my existence may not be the sole source of light or feeling or energy which brightens up the whole world, my existence had certainly made this world a NOISIER place.

Growing up, I was always the talkative one. I had lots of stories, most of them made-up, of course. I talked about things that made sense but most of the time I think I talked just for the sake of talking. But weirdly enough, I am pretty shy around people. What I mean is, I’m not the outgoing type of person. So if I don’t know anyone in my class, for example, then my existence would be barely noticeable. I’m not usually the first one to go and introduce myself.

I don’t know where I got my confidence issues. I was went to a catholic school in elementary, and aside from reiterating the values I got from my parents and grandparents – who are devout Catholics – it was also in school where I first got exposed to competitions and such activities that would hone my self-confidence. I remember being on plays and spelling bees and other contests and I didn’t have any problem whatsoever. I was okay with everything. And then the next thing I remember, I was under the table, hiding, because I didn’t want to participate in the singing contest that I was signed up for. So I hid under the table until I was sure I wouldn’t be in it. It was then that I realized that I am scared of public performances.

The funny thing is, even though I have a very bad case of stage fright, I am now here in the University of the Philippines, in the COLLEGE OF MASS COMMUNICATION, taking up Broadcast Communication, nonetheless. And I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. Fate does have a twisted sense of humor. Now my life is production – cameras, microphones, costumes, make-up, scripts, lights, concepts, the whole works.

College indeed changes people. I’m not saying that I’m more aggressive now, maybe I’m just more comfortable with myself and I admit, it just needs getting used to. (Although I am never used to it enough.) And besides, not just about how I feel in front of an audience or a camera, for that matter. Back in high school, I religiously followed soap operas and laughed myself to death with the wisecracks of whatever sitcom I’m watching. I mean, television was a one-way medium. I was just absorbing whatever media is feeding me though it. But now, well now I still watch series and sitcoms and other whatnots, but I have learned that I don’t have to take everything in. or maybe I knew it back then, I just didn’t care enough.

I have become more critical of everything, not just media or the television. People? Life? Love? Call me cheesy or whatever, but yeah, all those. I certainly won’t deny that I have had my share of the “emo”-ness. Come on, everybody has those moments.

This university undoubtedly played a big part in, maybe not changing, but I would like to think of it as improving me, my identity, my beliefs. Here I met people. Some of whom became friends, some remained as mere acquaintances, but whichever way they turn out to be, meeting all of them taught me how to deal with different people and different and sometimes difficult situations.

Aside from the people aspect, studying in this university also toughened me up. Not tough as in I-beat-people-up kind of tough, but tough as a person. I had to leave the safety of my comfort zone, leave my family physically and stay in a place with, quite literally, strangers.

Thank goodness Kalay was the first dorm I got into when I was a freshie. Even though I only knew four people from my high school in the entire dormitory, the whole set-up of Kalay helped a lot. We were strangers, yes, but we were strangers with at least two things in common: we were starting college and we are away from our families. Ten months of living together is no piece of cake. But good things come out of it too. There I met people who I wouldn’t have if I were someplace else, and my life wouldn’t have as fun. Of course I don’t really know that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The biggest blow I had to go through was probably when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Yeah, that’s the type where you deal with needles and everyday. Every freakin’ day. I happen to be one of the world’s biggest cowards when it comes to needles and blood and injections. But I have no choice. I need insulin in my system and the only way for me get it is through regular injection. Talk about painful. But I couldn’t decide which hurts more, daily injections (for forever) or giving up sweets. I probably have the world’s biggest sweet tooth, you see.

But I came through it, and I am now dealing with it quite gracefully, haha, though not totally unscathed. It was something that not only I had to go through alone. A lot of adjustments and getting used to was needed, and it really took a while. My family had to make room for all the change – physically and otherwise. I sure shed a lot of tears (It’s really no joke when the doctor tells you to stop eating ice cream.) and I made my mother, and take this, my father cry. No, I am not proud that I made my parents cry and I never want to do that to them again. I’m just saying that I was that impossible. I was cranky all the time and I didn’t listen to whatever it was they were telling me to do or not to do. Even if it was for my own good.

Well, I learned then that in my family, it’s really not about whether it’s easy or difficult. It’s about whether it can be done or not. Because i won't be alone to face whatever it is. And that fact makes everything, even the unknown, less scary.

Funny how the question “Who am I?” can generate all these thoughts eh?

Word Count: 1515

Labels: socio10

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